The tricky brain

I feel trapped in my body. Most days are fine, but there are days like today, when I feel like no amount of oxygen can help me. I feel suffocated, as if I am drowning, or someone is blocking my nose. Days like these, I run away and usually end up in places I’ve never been to. Its like I can’t recall how I end up at a place, more like I float to a place. Right now I am breathing heavy, trying to inhale every bit of air in ny lungs, but to no avail. I see blurry lights, hear honks and noises in my ears, but I am in another orbit.

I am climbing, walking, breathing, sweating. Just when I reach at the top of some building, I feel the whoosh of chilling night air. My skin has a layer of sweat that now is helping in freezing me. My skin burns with the heat within me and the cold outside. My head is spinning, my legs shake, and the phone in my hand vibrates which brakes my trance. I look at the screen, and the screen is blurry. I have tear drops in my eyes which I didn’t knew I had. I dropped the phone and it opened and the battery sprang out. I moved past it and towards the edge of the Clock Tower’s terrace. The city looks like many blips spread out on a huge blanket of black. I move ahead some more, towards the edge. There is something back of my mind that says ‘back off’, maybe the sensible part of my brain. But the rest of the brain says ‘let’s get a closer look’. With shaking legs and imbalanced stance I get on the edge.

I often think, will it be peaceful if I die? Or I wouldn’t know a thing? My family isn’t a perfect one, infact I haven’t shared a thing to my so-called-Mom since I have grown up to realise she doesn’t care for me. I am a guy who never had a girlfriend. I am 20 and I have a raging set of hormones but I am imbecile when it comes to approaching a girl. I end up insulting her when any girl tries talking to me. Insulting people had become my defense. I have grown being insulted enough to learn it first hand. So my life is a series of questions whose answers are yet to be found. The solution I usually end up with is maybe I should just die.

I haven’t tried killing myself if failed attempts at climbing towers and bridges, and trying to drown myself in sea isn’t counted in. I think drowning is better since I don’t want to see myself stained in blood. I hate the sight of blood. I think I should back off. As I try to back off I stumble and my heart skips a beat. I manage to get down and all the senseless thinking goes down the drain and the reality slaps the shit out of me. I was trying to kill myself, and I had no idea why. I pick up the pieces of my phone, walk back down with wobbly feet. This is yet another day in my life where my brain tricked me.

The last thought

I am only able to open my right eye, while my left eye is swollen enough that any effort opening it will be wasted. I taste dirt and my own blood, and some of it is splattered on the ground beside my face. The left side of me is plastered on the ground, dirt rising in the air whenever I heave a breathe. I feel helpless, even though I’ve fought quite a battle. But the last sword swipe got me, though not before I pierced the knife in the middle of the man who hit me.

The lawn is silent, more red than green. Dead bodies lying in the field, the sight which few years back would have made me cringe and puke. When I was an innocent girl with fairy tale dreams. When I wasn’t plucked cruelly out of my garden and dropped in this hostile land where all eyed me like I am a piece of meat. First few months I was like a dead body with a beating heart. I was grabbed and beaten. I never closed my eyes when I was tortured, used, hurt. I saw everything but never moved a muscle. I remembered every face that sabotaged me.

Today I killed each and every monster that made me what I am today. If I could, I would pull the skin off their body, burn them. Anything that will bring back the life in me. But I guess I am dead beyond repair. Honestly I don’t even want to live, because my body has more scars than I can hide. Each reminds me of the days I was crushed and used like a toilet paper roll. The days I slept in the dark toilets and storerooms.

I want nothing more than to go back home, meet my family then die with honour. I don’t want to be a food for dogs. But as much as I want, my parents would rather want me dead than have insight of the life I live now. Life I didn’t choose, life I was forced upon. I still sometimes want to believe this is just a bad dream, and I will wake up in my bed instead of some random rooms. Even though I had been a victim, I won’t ever be accepted as one.

I think I will just close my eyes and drift to someplace where I am a human, and not something that’s used and thrown.


I am running with every bit of strength I have. My shirt is drenched in sweat and sticks to my back. My hair feels greasy and sweat drips down my nose. I can’t breathe, I feel suffocated. I can hear the screams that keep calling me, pulling me towards it like tha opposite end of a magnet. As I reach the brink of that cliff, I wake up. All of a sudden I feel lethargic. As if I really went through the physical exhaustion I dreamt about. My heart beats so fast, I fear it’ll jump out any moment. My legs hurt and they are shivering.

I’ve been seeing these dreams every night since the night I saw that accident on that cliff while returning from my vacation to the mountains. I wonder at times what will happen if I do not wake up when I am at the edge of that cliff. What if I slept some more? Will I fall? Will I fly? Will I float in abyss? Or if I will end up crashing at the base of that mountain? Why do I feel as if it really happens with me. Like I go through that sprint every night. I have been losing weight since those dreams, I fear falling asleep. I actually fear thinking what if I do end up sleeping and falling off the cliff. The force of those screams is so much that I lose control of my body. I suffered with cough a week back but I didn’t dare take the cough syrup in the fear I may sleep away and fall off the cliff. This fear is eating me.

Some days those screams echo in my ears even when I am awake. Even when I am surrounded by people. It is guilt I know. I should have stayed, should have looked through, maybe someone was hanging, waiting for a hand to pull him/her up. Maybe I am the reason someone died. The fear that I’ll sound insane makes me not share this with anyone. I am drowning in some hole. I don’t want to die.

How I Met You

I have this horrified look on my face. I screwed up yet again. I have drained the whole glass of my cold coffee onto the crisp white shirt of some guy. Yes I am totally capable of doing things like these on a daily basis. Though I am well established in my career, or I was, and I do pretty well in my life, but I can never stop myself from making a big fool of myself. How I ended up in this coffee shop at the other end of the city from where I live? Well I’ll tell you.

It was just another day and I was running late to work as usual. It never mattered to me when I walked in my office later than I should. But today it was the day all my Managers are supposed to come to office. By Managers I mean up the hierarchy and I should have reached on time if not early. But out of habit, I ignored my alarm and woke up late. So I had to run to work. When I reached the meeting room, breathing heavily out of running, and everyone looked at me like I was some alien. Yeah I may have looked like one with my bun falling on one side, and some strands falling all over my face. Sweat trickling down from my temples, and I’d rather not mention the state of my shirt. I was no where close to looking professional. So I entered, and I felt weird, as if the sole purpose of this meeting was not the betterment of this organisation but  betterment of Shanaya Jones, and that would be Me. I felt all the eyes on me, as I walked toward my seat.
I filled the silence with my ideas that I have prepared for this meeting. I am not good with apologies so I avoided saying sorry for being late. I was interrupted by my manager when he cleared his throat and said in a very low voice, “Shanaya as you know the situation here, though you have been working well, but since there have been zero catastrophe since last year, we are at loss”
I kept silent because I knew something was not quite right. He continued,  “so we have to slack few people and though you have been an excellent employee, we had to come up to this difficult decision”. And my head went blank. The rest of the words that came out of my Manager’s mouth seemed too distant for my mind to register them. I have been working here for the past 7 years. I joined as an intern and had always been here. I never imagined leaving this place and my life which was pretty much perfect came to an abrupt halt. I feel like my life bumped into a tree that was nowhere to be seen.

I had to compose myself so I don’t make a fool of myself. I dragged through the day and left a bit early from work. After I sat in my car, I shook and a silent tear fell down my cheeks. I feel sick till the pit of my stomach. I started my car and subconsciously took off the route. Right when I was reaching my apartment, I took the left turn instead of right. I reasoned myself, nothing in my life is right, then why turn right. A chuckle escaped my mouth on how stupid I can be to crack jokes on myself.

I took the NH1 and absent mindedly took some side road and halted at some small coffee shop when my throat felt dry. I sat on a corner seat and ordered water and cold coffee. I was on my 7th glass and the waiter kept staring at me like I am some weirdo. Maybe I do look weird since my mascara must have been smeared out of crying. I don’t much care how I look when my life doesn’t look so good at the moment. Well now you must think how can I drink so much, that’s because I skipped my lunch. The news just made me sick and the hunger left my stomach.

The thought of the morning incident made my stomach lurch. I decided to dump my coffee and go to washroom. I got up and dashed into this man and spilled my coffee onto his shirt. And that brings us to now. Honestly I could just cry like a baby because I just feel like I need a reason to do so. But that’s not what I did. I didn’t take the blame but put it on this man, just because I can. I lashed it on him, for coming in my way. I even said you wasted my coffee, and what will I drink. Yeah! I know I feel so much evil, for lashing out on this innocent man, who just kept staring at me. Not in a bad way, instead in a strange way. Like he is searching for a solution. He made me feel bad all over again. Instead of shouting some more I apologised. And walked off before I made more big of a fool of myself, as if I haven’t done it already.

I came out of the cafe, walked to my car and banged my fist on the roof of my car. I  covered my face with my palms and trembled with the feeling of failure. It’s not that I can’t get a job, I can, but I didn’t expect to get this as return for my work. I have dedicated my life to this organisation and what do I get? That’s what happens when you are not at the good side of the managerial politics. I blew a big breathe and uncovered my face. And wow, why is karma being a bitch to me? That same guy is standing in front of me, hands folded, serious expressions and tilted head. Now that I looked at him, he looks good too. And I am sure he must think the opposite of me.

I held his stare for a while and then dropped my head. I asked, “What? I said I am sorry for lashing out on you”
He replied with an amused expression, “That’s not why I am here, you just punched the hood of my car”
Oh My God! I slowly turned my head and this is not my car. This looked like mine with teary blurry eyes, because its black, otherwise it looks nothing like mine. Please Earth, swallow me now, Now, NOW!
I slowly turned to face him, and apologised again, and pointed out, that’s my car there. Why can’t I faint now, and wake up tomorrow when everything is alright. Why does it only happens in movies. This is the perfect time to faint. I offered a weak smile and tried to walk away when he blocked my way. And said with a smirk, “And why did you shout at me when you were the one who spilled coffee on me? Why did you hit my car? You know right, that your and my car are no where close to similar, except for the color of the car. So I shouldn’t believe what you said.”
I hate confrontations, and now when I don’t know the reason for my behaviour,  or maybe I know but it will be stupid to confess it to a stranger. I thought of giving an excuse and then I did exactly opposite of that. Yes! I bawled out everything like I was talking to myself. I was loud, a little obnoxious. But its not like I’ll meet him. He is just like a paper to me, I will scribble my feelings and throw him away. Yeah! And for this karma will come to me in future but I’ll deal with it then. Right now I need to vomit the feelings I have in me and I did. After I was worn out of all my words and felt a bit dizzy, I turned at the man sitting beside me, calm and composed, hearing every bit seriously. His profile looks good in the darkness of the sky, and the only light shedding from the distant night lamp.

He sighed and said, “that’s the very wrong thing that happened to your loyalty, but I am not sure what I can do that will help you” and that’s when I realised he already helped me. I smiled and offered my hand to him, “Hi, I am Shanaya Jones, and whoever you are, you have already helped me. I already feel better than I did all day”. He took my hand and shook it. He said while he kept the hold of my hand “Nice to meet you Shanaya, I am Noel Patrick, and I have no idea how I helped you, but I am glad I could help”

I smiled lightly and took my hand back. I smoothed my palms on the hair to tame the strands that God knows how they look. Honestly I don’t even want to see myself now, or else I will lose the bits of confidence left in me. He got up, offered his hand. I took his in mine, pulled myself up and adjusted my shirt and skirt. He walked me off to my car and I got into it. I slided my window glass down, and looked out of it to him. He smiled sweetly, and my heart swelled. I felt good, like something good happened today, even if I never would see him again. I pulled my head in, and was pulling the window glasses up, when he held it with his palms, and bent down to look at me. And then he said, “I am glad I met you, and can I be there for you the next time when you want to lash out on someone?” With this he offered me his card, and I curled my fingers around it and smiled. I shut the window, started the engine, and left for home. I had this foolish grin on my face on my way home.

It’s always been you – Chapter 2

The day I met you – Shawn

“Ohmigod, you have RISE OF THE DEMONS? Can we play that?”

Oh my God I like this girl, she loves to play RISE OF THE DEMONS. No girl in my school would even know about this game. I am glad I got a good neighbour. I had been worrying who my parents are forcing me to befriend. When I saw this girl at her place, staring at me and burning holes in me, frankly I was a bit scared. But she looked a lost. She has this lighter shade of auburn hair, that looked more brown and slightly curled at the ends. Her eyes were so big that they covered half of her face and she has this deep green eyes with brown at the ends of her eyeballs. She has no freckles and a flawless skin. But the thing is I don’t befriend girls, because they are a different creature, and I would be made fun of if I am seen with her. So I hate the idea of befriend your neighbour, she is new to this place, help her, she is new to school, be her friend. My Mom had been repeatedly torturing me with this crap. But now that I know this girl plays like a boy, and I very well like her. (Not that I want to be seen with her)
“Yes sure”
And guess what..she chose the most gruesome player ‘Captain Tusado’ who is the fastest contender and whose speed neither Chris nor Levi nor any other guy in our class can control. “You sure you can handle Captain Tusado?” I said, and she replied “Dude you have no idea, I am champ of this game”. I couldn’t believe it of course and said “Yeah right, lemme see whatcha got”, and she replied calmly “you’ll see it yourself”

And we played, and boy she beat me thrice in a row and won 5 games out of 7. I don’t really remember how long we have been playing, not that I enjoy losing but I was always the best in it among Chris, Levi and Me, so this was a fun game, and she was all over my bed rolling and laughing her face off every time she would beat me. I have got a competition boy, and not that I was proud of losing of a girl but I wasn’t annoyed, rather it was fun watching her, like she had a stupid kind of laugh, though it sounded cute. She starts with high pitched squeal and will continue her hehehe rountine with hiccups in regular intervals and her whole body is shakes while she laughs. Its funny and very cute, her face has turned cherry red.
She was laughing while someone knocked at my door and Mom entered and looked amused.
“What is it that made Ann laugh so much?”
And she was like heehee hiccup..hee “Aunt Gracy, I beat Shawn 5 times out of 7 and mind it he was flaunting he never loses” and she was laughing again, and her shoulder was bouncing again.
“Gosh Shawn, how did this happen? ” Mom never missed an opportunity to tease me ofcourse.

After few more minutes of laughing Mom asked Annette to stay for evening snacks, and she happily agreed. Mom treated us with orange juice and her chocolate cookies. Annette complimented my Mom and they both were conversing about baking, seems Annette is not all boy, she does have a girl traits of her, I just don’t wish to see it though. Later Annette waved us goodbyes and went to her place and Mom was praising our new neighbours but now I didn’t feel much bad about it.

It’s always been you – Chapter 1

The day I met you – Ann

“Why do we have to leave our house?” I asked my mom, half sobbing, and half expecting probably Mom would agree with me and we would stay here happily. “Ann..enough of this, we’ve already had this discussion million times. You know your Dad has whole lot of opportunities in North Carolina with his friend. Our life would be so much better there, and don’t you worry, Uncle David has a son who is of your age, in no time you’ll be friends, he is a charming lad. And of course you’ll enjoy the snow there in winter, that you can never get to see here”
“Mom, new school is never so fun, and I would miss Granpu so much and he is not even here, why does he have to be in Italy?” I choked down the lump in my throat, I never wish to leave my Granddaddy, I love him so much. “Granpu will visit every once in a while and probably just be with us on our summer vacations. His trip was planned a year back, all money paid, he cannot cancel it just because we pre pond our shifting. Remember Annette, the early you accept, the better. And now I don’t wish to discuss this again, so better pack your remaining stuff, the Movers’ van would arrive in no time” with this she left the room and I shed few more tears hugging my sugglebear but then I knew I had to pack. So I did as I was told, and van was at the door in half an hour. We drove to North Carolina in our Volkswagon Touareg and reached in approximately 10 hours.

The moment I laid my eyes on our new home, I realised it was actually not a bad idea moving here. The house was pretty big, a duplex it is with a well maintained lawn and play area with mini version of swings, slide and a seesaw, but appropriate for a 11 year old kid like me. I was more than happy and weather was pretty cold since in Florida it was scorching heat usually by this hour. We entered our mini palace and I gladly squeezed snugglebear because what was inside was way better than our home back in Florida. There was a huge living room with a plush couch that was calling me, and I just ran and pounced on it. I had this wide grin plastered on my face and I knew this was a very good decision. ‘I Love you mom and dad’. Mom led me to the kitchen and showed me the place, it was shiny black marble and beige walls. I could see my mom had tears in her eyes, and I knew she loved this house as much as I did. She is a great cook and our kitchen back home wasn’t that great, it was small room. My Dad followed us and embraced Mom in a hug, they kissed and I swooned just looking at them. Most kids don’t like their parents cuddling and romancing, but I loved to see them and I one day wish I too would get someone like my Dad. My Mom and Dad were high school sweethearts and I am proud of them. Soon I was engulfed in a family hug and I was grinning all the while. In the middle of our family time the door bell rang, and my Dad excused to get it. Now I could hear some voices from the living room of laughter and greetings. Mom straightened her skirt and combed my hair with her fingers. We went back to the living room and Dad introduced me to our neighbours ‘The Vaughans’ who happens to be my Mom and Dad’s high school best friends. They four were a group and each married their high school love.
Mrs.Vaughan was very pretty and I liked her because her smile was sweet and she got us blueberry cheese cake as a token of welcoming us to the neighbourhood. Mr.Vaughan was handsome with dark brown hair and deep green eyes that crinkled at the ends. He must be of my Dad’s age and Dad and Mr.Vaughan aka Uncle David seems pretty close to each other. My Mom and Dad are pretty friendly, unlike me. I never had a best friend ever back home, just few girls I talked to. Boys, well I hate them because they always picked at me, pulled my hair and called me names. Especially Gosh, he was one bad boy, and he was that one thing that was a reason I considered moving to California.

Mrs. Vaughan aka Aunt Gracy called out “Shawnnn.. what are you doing outside? “. A voice replied back “Nothingg”.
“So why don’t you come inside and meet out neighbours”. And there was no reply, but a minute later a boy entered whose head was low and who refused to look up. A moment later he dragged himself and plopped on our couch. A studied him for a while, he looked better than the boys back home, and he has the same hair as Aunt Gracy, a lighter shade of brown, brunette is a better term. His eyes was brilliant shade of green but when his eyes met mine, they looked bluer, just like ocean. I think he has got eye color of both his Mom Dad and that made his eyes more beautiful, a unique shade. He kept staring at me, and I continued to stare, moreover studying this boy, I have no idea how I could do this, I never had this confidence before to stare at a boy. Finally my Mom said “Ann, why don’t you show Shawn our house?”and I had to look away from him and towards my Mom. “But Mom I haven’t seen the house myself”
“Then Shawn, why don’t you show our place to Annette?” Aunt Gracy said.
“Okay” is all Shawn replied and walked ahead towards the door. As if on cue I hurried behind him and followed him. He didnt say a word and I sheepishly followed. The moment we entered his placed I was hit by the smell of baking and chocolate. I was sniffing when he noticed me and offered “Would you like to have some chocolate cookies? Mom just made them and my Mom is a great cook”.
I nodded and he handed me a plate with 4cookies. I took a small bite and the flavour filled my mouth and I took another big bite. I was chewing mouthful of cookie when he asked “Would you like to play a game?”
I said “yes” that sounded like “yeffff” and few cookie crumbs flew out of my mouth, embarrased I covered my mouth. He found it amusing and he smirked. He asked me to follow him to his room and I did. And his room was way to good. He had an enormous water bed, a bean bag, a study table that was nearly maintained. Either he is a neat freak or he never studies. I was strolling in his room, touching everything. It was beautiful, and neat. He had a television mounted on his wall and he handed me the gaming console.
“Oh God, you have your own television? That’s so cool”
“Yeah its cool but well its child locked and I am only allowed to watch specific channels and till 10pm. My Mom controls it, it’s switch is at her room”
“Still your own TV and a water bed. You are one lucky boy” he simply blushed and said “What would you play Annette? I don’t have much of girls game as I dont have friends who are girls. You can select yourself”
“Ohmigod, you have Rise of the Demons? Can we play that?”

Life with you – Chapter 1

Chapter 1:

Stacey – Is it a start of new something?

Can you imagine how it feels when life becomes monotonous? When you have been working 5 days a week and even work brings no excitement? And the weekend is as lazy as it could get, staring blankly at the television screen, stuffing your mouth with all the junk left in your kitchen, because well, you don’t know what else to do? You wish to call your old friends, but end up discarding that very idea.
If you can imagine afore mentioned, you can relate to how I feel at the moment. I feel dull, mournful for no reason. If you ask someone else, they’ll say I should be more than happy, I’ve got pretty much everything I need, a job I always wanted, a well furnished apartment at New York city, my own new audi A8, that’s more than I probably could have ever thought I could have, but well, life is so monotonous these days, that I at times feel like I should just go on a vacation at the country side. I am almost as dull as I could ever be for the meeting I have with a delegate from our new client “Clintons & Masons”. I look at my own reflection in the full length mirror, and realise that I look as pale and lifeless as an old lady, I brush my cheeks with some more shade of pink, dab some more matt rose pink lipstick, and some frosted pink at the base of upper lip and top of lower lip, my trick to pump my lips. Apply some liquid eyeliner and mascara and stare at myself. My sea green eyes stand out on my face because of mascara, and I look more like a japanese anime with big eyes. My gray pencil cut skirt hugs my curves in a way that makes me smile, and the crisp white shirt looks just perfect and professional. I put on my 3″ black stilettos and hang my laptop bag on my right shoulder and leave my apartment. I get in my car and realise just how smooth this car is as compared to my old Bug that I drew for years where my legs were so cramped that this feels like freedom, and I just can’t help but appreciate every time I ride this car.

I get down and enter the Café Mocha on 23rd street. I scan the cafe to find a man in crisp white shirt, with hair still wet because of shower. His head is bowed and he is engrossed in his laptop screen. He has sharp nose, that holds the rimless spectacles in place, and he is rubbing his chin with his right hand’s index finger and thumb. He does look beautiful, probably the only beautiful client I have seen, as most of the clients or delegates I have met are of my Dad’s or Granddad’s age. As if he could feel my gaze, he pulls his face from his laptop’s screen and darts his dark blue eyes at me. And I don’t know how but I feel like I am a school girl, and have been caught staring at my crush. I feel my cheeks burn, and I gather all my courage and move ahead. I reach his table and I rub my palms on my skirt slowly to get rid of anxiety sweat on my palm, so he doesn’t notice what I am doing. I offer him my hand and introduce myself as “Stacy Maccow, on behalf of Charles Claim Adjusters”, he straightens himself, takes my hand, gives a lopsided smile and says “Chris FitzPatrick, pleased to meet you”. Even my pumps dont give me enough height and I have to angle my head upwards to look at him. I am 5.5″ and with pumps 5.8″, and he seems 6 foot at least.

He offers me to have a seat beside him so we can work on one laptop. The moment I sit, he shuts his laptop and I open my mine and start opening my PowerPoint presentation. He asks me if I need something and I say “Cappuccino please”. He walks toward the queue to order and I suppress my urge to stare at him and continue with running my presentation slides to make sure I don’t end up screwing up this meeting, which has a fat chance of happening if I keep up with this nonsense staring and drooling as if I haven’t seen a guy ever. It’s just that I have never worked with a client who is so young and charming and hot and sexy and.. urghhhh Stace, get a grip.

He comes back with our coffees and a complementary smile from him, and I melt there. Can I be any more stupid? I take a hot sip of my cappuccino and feel the tip of my tongue burn and go numb, and he stifles a laugh, My God! Give me strength to finish this meeting with no more embarrassment. I start with my presentation and when I am working I usually don’t get distracted. He nods a few times but stays straight faced the rest of the times. That’s unnerving but better than he smiling his dazzling smile. When I am done I give him a nod and say “Do you have any questions? ”
And there is that smirk, and he says “lots”. Lots? Lots in what context? Shut up Stace. Perhaps my confusion is visible on my face so he continues “I have few doubts and few questions myself but I would have to go through the details you just proposed and we can get back with this later?”
“Yes sure, let me and Mark know about when should we go through the next meeting, though I would be fine answering your questions through calls or emails”
“That would be great but I would prefer meeting. I would let you know of when I can get back to you. See you probably next week?”
“Sure thing”
We walk in silence to the door, give a nod since I am not sure how to make a friendly exit. I go straight to my office and my day is back to monotonous after that morning adventure. At least I am glad that it’s Friday today, else how am I to survive this whole week when I so want to meet him again? When would he call? Would he arrange a meeting on Monday? Or next Friday? Oh God! Help me.